Conyr-Wherhandler-Gold Conysk

[wildfire]

Harper, tell me of the road...

Username: Wildfire
Character Number: 4th

Name: Conyr
Age: 24
Birth Season: Spring
Gender: male
Location: Bivium
Rank: Wherhandler.

That leads beyond this hold...

Appearance:

Standing at five feet seven inches, Conyr is of average height. He also has dark hair, like most people on Pern, though his is longer than most, being nearly halfway down his back. He got blue eyes from his mother (though they appear cloudy since he is blind), as well as fair skin. He has a lean, muscular frame with strong arms and shoulders from working with whers.

As far as clothing goes, Conyr prefers comfortable clothing in neutral shades. Boots grace his feet all year for better protection, and he will often be seen with a walking stick when not with Conysk.

That wends its way around the hill...

Personality:

Quiet and soft spoken, Conyr is a complete gentleman. He has a quiet air of confidence about him that draws people despite his handicap, and his confidence in himself has grown since his impressing Conysk.

He is loyal to a fault and has the patience of a saint. He is very slow to anger and, more often than not, is the peacemaker. His friends back at the Hold often wonder how he impressed a gold wher and, to be honest, he doesn't know, either, though Conysk will tell you he simply smelled good.

However, he cannot stand to be locked in anywhere. It doesn't matter if the area is as big as the hatching grounds. He cannot stand it if the door is locked due to a prank that went wrong when he was much younger. He's fine if one simply shuts the door but Faranth help the person if they lock the door.

Does it go farther on until...

History:

Born to a greenhandler after her wher's run and raised in the creche, Conyr was your typical boy, with one difference; he couldn't see. Yes he was born blind but his other senses picked up the slack and he gained heightened senses of smell and hearing, and a more sensitive touch. Thanks to this, the handicap didn't seem to slow him down at all. He was as active as any other child and had a thirst to learn. Sadly, though, he was picked on by his peers constantly for his handicap. He turned to music to ease the pain and apprenticed to be a Harper at twelve. Three turns later he was a senior apprentice, and his mother asked him to stand at a wher clutch. The hold needed more handlers so Conyr agreed.

He got brown Conyrsk out of the deal. He and Conyrsk made an amazing team and the two had a bond that was deeper than most between handler and wher. They flew through training and together defended Fort Hold for five years before tragedy struck. It was a routine patrol run that went very wrong in a matter of minutes. Conyr and Conyrsk were ambushed by three wild whers (a blue, a brown, and a bronze), one of which was a wher that had gone wild after losing his handler.

Conyrsk managed to defeat the blue and brown, but the bronze caught him by surprise. However, the brown didn't go down quietly, and in the end both whers were killed leaving a shattered Conyr to stumble back to the hold where he was patched up. There was another wher clutch on the sands shortly after, but Conyr refused to stand, and it would take him several months to work up the courage to stand again. When he did he was rewarded with Gold Conysk, who in no less words told him she was hungry and wanted food now.

Conyr has never regretted listening to her. They flew through training, and while her runs were a complete 360 from Conyrsk's, he adjusted, and the pair thrived. A few months ago, they learned that Bivium was in need of handlers, so they put in for a transfer. They are curious to see how the hatching of the Gift Clutch will affect the politics surrounding Bivium.

It ends in sunset gold?

[wildfire]

Watch-wher, watch-wher,
In your lair...

Name: Conysk
Age: Three and a half almost four
Origin: Fort Hold
Colour: Gold

Appearance:

A brilliantly bright yellow gold with no variation to her hide, Conysk is almost blindingly bright. She doesn't blend into the night like her green sisters, blue brothers, or brown brothers. She stands out like a light, but it doesn't bother her one bit. She is large for her rank and every muscled line is infused with the pride that comes with being a queen. Her slender frame is on the leaner side and she has a more whip-like tail then most golds do. She is also more agile than most golds which adds a spice to her runs. Her legs are long and lean but muscular with graceful curved, deadly talons that she isn't afraid to use.

Personality:

Intelligent, commanding, demanding, and proud, she doesn't suffer fools or insults to her or hers well. She can be harsh when one crosses her and isn't the most forgiving creature. The only one she will forgive easily is hers and sometimes not even then. She is wickedly smart for a wher and a good problem solver. She is also practical and ruthless when she needs to be. She is loyal like her Conyr and if one are under her protection then they will have no better ally. Cross her though and one will know a queen's wrath. She has a commanding presence that she uses to her advantage when the situation calls for it. She is demanding, as well, and doesn't tolerate greens flirting with her boys well at all.

Watch well, watch-wher:
Who goes there?

[Briarwind]

He also has dark hair like most people on Pern though his is longer then most being nearly halfway down his back.

There should be a comma after hair, a comma after Pern, and a comma after most. It should read "than", not "then". "Like most people on Pern" is an explanatory insertion that the sentence could rationally do without, meaning it must be bracketed by commas. Further, "his is longer than most" is a complete thought joined to another complete thought ("He also has dark hair") by a conjunction ("though"), so it must be separated by a comma. Here, that comma combines with one of the two bracketing "like most people on Pern". "Being nearly halfway down his back" is also an explanatory insertion that the sentence could rationally do without, meaning that it, too, should be bracketed by commas. Because it comes at the end of the sentence, the second comma is displaced by the period, so it must only be preceded by one. "Then" is a time reference, used to indicate a sequence of events. "Than" is a comparative conjunction joining "his [hair]" to "most [peoples' hair]".

However he got blue eyes from his mother (though they appear cloudy since he is blind) as well as fair skin.

There should be a comma after "however". However is a modifying insertion that the sentence could reasonably do without. There should also be a comma after "blind)", because "as well as fair skin" is a listing modifier.

He has a lean muscular frame with strong arms and shoulders from working with whers.

"Lean" and "muscular" are adjectives modifying the same noun (frame), and should be separated by a comma.

As far as clothing goes, Conyr prefers comfortable clothing in neutral shades. Seeing as he's blind he doesn't pay all that much attention to his wardrobe.

There should be a comma after "blind", because "Seeing as he's blind" is a modifier for the rest of the sentence that could logically be done without. If he's blind and doesn't pay much attention to his wardrobe, how does he have a preference for colours he can't see?

As long as Conysk says it matches then he's good to go.

There should be a comma after "matches". This is an if-then statement, which means that there should be a comma here, because all if-then statements contain two complete concepts. If <concept>, then <concept>. If Conysk says it matches, then he's good to go.

Boots grace his feet all year for better protection and he will often be seen with a walking stick when not with Conysk.

There should be a comma after "protection" for the same reasons as in the previous sentence - these are two complete concepts joined by a conjunction.

Quiet and soft spoken Conyr is a complete gentleman.

There should be a comma after "spoken". "Quite and soft spoken" is an insertion which modifies the sentence but could rationally be done without.

He has a quiet air of confidence about him that draws people despite his handicap and his confidence in himself has grown since his impressing Conysk.

There should be a comma after "handicap". These are two complete concepts joined by a conjunction.

He is very slow to anger and more often then not is the peacemaker.

"More often than not" is an insertion to the sentence which could logically be done without and should be bracketed by commas. Further, this is another instance where the word choice should be "than", not "then". Here, you are comparing "often" and "not".

His friends back at the hold often wonder how he impressed a gold wher and to be honest he doesn't know either though Conysk will tell you he simply smelled good.

"Hold" should be capitalized. "To be quite honest" and "either" should both be bracketed in commas.

However he cannot stand to be locked in anywhere.

There should be a comma after "however".

It doesn't matter if the area is as big as the hatching grounds he cannot stand it if the door is locked due to a prank that went wrong when he was much younger.

"Grounds" should be the end of the first sentence. The second section of this should be a separate sentence. There should be a comma after "locked". Otherwise, it sounds as if he only cannot stand it if it's locked due to a prank, but as though it's fine if it's locked for any other reason.

He's fine if you simply shut the door but Faranth help you if you lock the door.

There should be a comma after "door".

This should be entirely in third person. Please remove the word "you".

Born to a greenhandler after her wher's run and raised in the creche, Conyr was your typical boy with one difference...he couldn't see.

There should be a comma after "boy", because "with one difference" is a modifier to the rest of the sentence. The ellipses should be replaced with a colon.

Yes he was born blind but his other senses picked up the slack and he gained amazing reflexes, a heightened sense of smell and hearing, and a more sensitive touch.

There should be a comma after "yes". There should be a comma after "blind". Why would he gain amazing reflexes? Reflexes are a cultivated thing and, even when inborn, are not inherently tied to the presence or absence of sight in any way. If you want him to have amazing reflexes, you can make it an inborn trait, but don't try to tie it into his blindness. It should read "heightened senses of", rather than "a heightened sense of", because you're tying the phrase to two distinct senses.

However the handicap didn't seem to slow him down.

There should be a comma after "however". I also question your word-choice with "however". You just provided several examples of how his body overcame his handicap, then implied that his handicap should have slowed him down. This is contradictory. Perhaps you should replace "however" with something like, "thanks to this", "as a consequence", or "fortunately, this meant that".

Sadly though he was picked on by his peers constantly for his handicap.

"Sadly" and "though" should both be followed by commas.

He turned to music to ease the pain and apprenticed to be a harper at twelve.

"Harper" should be capitalized. It is a proper name.

Three years later he was a senior apprentice and his mother asked him to stand at a wher clutch.

"Years" should be "turns". There should be a comma after "later". There should be a comma after "apprentice". "Three turns later" is a modifying insertion that the sentence could logically do without. "He was a senior apprentice" and "his mother asked him to stand at a wher clutch" are both complete thoughts and should be separated by a comma and conjunction.

The hold needed more handlers so Conyr agreed.

"Hold" should be capitalized. There should be a comma after "handlers", because "the hold needed more handlers" and "Conyr agreed" are both complete concepts separated by a conjunction.

He got Brown Cosk out of the deal.

"Brown" should be lower-cased.

He and Cosk made an amazing team and the two had a bond that was deeper then most between handler and wher.

There should be a comma after "team". This sentence contains two complete concepts joined by a conjunction at this point. The name "Cosk" does not reflect a deep bond such as you indicate here, but rather, a generally shallow one. The deeper the bond, the more of Conyr's name the wher should take. To reflect the bond you indicate, his name should have been "Conyrsk". This is another instance where you use "then" when you should use "than". Please adjust this and look out for it in future writings.

They flew threw training and together defended Fort Hold for five years.

"Years" should be "turns". "Threw" is a verb, past tense of "throw". The word you're looking for is "through".

They survived numerous wild wher attacks before tragedy struck.

Why were there so many wild wher attacks? Wher populations tend to be carefully controlled for just that reason.

Conyr and Cosk were ambushed by three wild whers (a blue, a brown, and a bronze) one of which was a wher that had gone wild after losing his handler.

There should be a comma after "bronze)", because this end section is an explanatory insertion that the sentence could logically do without.

Cosk managed to defeat the blue and brown but the bronze caught him by surprise.

There should be a comma after "brown" because these are two complete, coherent concepts.

However the brown didn't go down quietly and in the end both whers were killed leaving a shattered Conyr to stumble back to the hold where he was patched up.

There should be a comma after "however" and a comma after "quietly". "In the end" should be bracketed by commas. There should be a comma after "killed". "Hold" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after it. If you have any questions about the rationale behind these commas, please let me know.

There was another wher clutch on the sands shortly after but Conyr refused to stand and it would take him several months to work up the courage to stand again.

There should be commas after "after" and "stand".

When he did he was rewarded with Gold Conysk, who in no less words told him that while Cosk had been a good, loyal wher, he was gone and Conyr had things to do.

There should be a comma after "did", commas bracketing "in no less words", and a comma after "gone". I don't understand what you mean by "in no less words". How did a newborn know about Cosk?

They flew threw training and while her runs were a complete 360 from Cosk's he adjusted and the pair thrived.

"Threw" should be "through". There should be a comma after "training", there should be a comma after "Cosk's", and there should be a comma after "adjusted".

A few months ago they learned that Bivium was in need of handlers so they put in for a transfer.

There should be a comma after "ago". There should be a comma after "handlers".

She stands out like a light but it doesn't bother her one bit.

There should be a comma after "light".

She is large for her rank and every muscled line is infused with the pride that comes with being a queen rank.

There should be a comma after the first instance of "rank". The second instance is unnecessary and should be removed.

Her slender frame is on the leaner side and she has a more whip-like tail then most golds do.

There should be a comma after "side". "Then" should be "than". The "do" is unnecessary, though this is not actually wrong and does not have to be changed.

She is also more agile then most golds which adds a spice to her runs.

"Then" should be "than". There should be a comma after "golds".

She can be harsh when you cross her and isn't the most forgiving creature. The only one she will forgive is hers and sometimes not even then.

The word "you" is second person. Personality should be in third. Please rectify this. These two sentences contradict one another. "She isn't the most forgiving creature" implies that she forgives, but not easily. The second sentence outright declares that she does not forgive anyone but Conyr, and him, only rarely. There should be a comma after "hers".

She is wickedly smart for a wher and a good problem solver.

Wickedly smart and a good problem solver, for a wher, implies the intellect of about a five year old. This is not a problem. I simply want to clarify the point.

She is loyal like her Conyr and if you are under her protection then you will have no better ally.

There should be a comma after "Conyr". This is another instance of the "you" problem.

Cross her though and you will know a queen's wrath.

"Though" should be bracketed in commas. The word "you" is present, again.

She is demanding as well and doesn't tolerate greens flirting with her boys well at all.

The words "as well" should be bracketed by commas.

As a final note, the biggest problem with this application is that it presents a lack of understanding about the process by which whers impress. Please take a moment to review our guide to how hatchings work, specifically the section on whers, and our informational thread about the whers of Pern. These will help clear up the problems in Conyr's history for you.